I am bone tired today. Almost two years out of college and I have yet to find a way to balance work, a relationship, studying for the LSATs, sleep, and trying to maintain some semblance of passion for life. Fun isn’t even a factor in this equation–too many bills to pay on such a pittance.
I’m scared that because I haven’t been able to balance all of this, and haven’t been able to dedicate myself to studying as much as I want (and probably need) that I won’t do well on the LSATs and I will have wasted another couple of years of my life. Moving to Austin was a huge distraction and it has wasted two years that I could have dedicated to school. Two years that I have wasted working entry-level secretary jobs and climbed the ladder of a career I never wanted to be in. Yes, I have had the chance to reflect on what I want out of life–but it has mostly been two years of panicked desire to get out of Austin at all costs. I’m scared that law school was a panacea born out of hating where I am and I have no one to speak to about where I want to go in my career. I know what I’m good at and law is a great match for my skills. I’m so scared of failure that I’m terrified to begin. And time isn’t going to wait for me to grow a pair.
I’m so tired of being a secretary. Yes, I am doing far better than my peers and I’m grateful for my blessings. I have free health insurance, a retirement fund, other employee benefits and–in this new job–my boss is wonderful. I don’t want to get complacent. I need to do more, be more. I know I’ve got it in me–it’s just the rest, the environmental factors that are holding me back.
I work full time–so that cuts out studying time for the most part. Especially since I’m a morning person and I’d do best studying around 8 after a good night’s sleep. A good night’s sleep is impossible since my boyfriend works two jobs and I have to pick him up at 10. He’s from New York City and has never had to drive but has been trying to get lessons. When you work every day until late, there’s not a lot of chance to learn. Even if he had time, we wouldn’t have the money to supply him with a vehicle. Because we’ve spent 6 years apart, I’d like to spend some time with him. Bedtime doesn’t come around until 11 or 12 and when you get up at 6 every day, there’s not a whole lot of energy to study.
Any spare time is spent much like an adult. Because my boyfriend works every day and cannot run errands on his own, all of my time left over is spent cleaning, cooking, and running errands for the household. I am solely responsible for taking care of the household. It’s frustrating and it’s exhausting. I’ve got nobody to lean on being so far away from friends and family and I’m completely alone here besides from my boyfriend. We have no friends or family here, no connections. And my family needs me. My dad was paralyzed in an accident 4 years ago and my mom is his sole care provider and the sole income. She’s a nurse and she works 12 hours a day and has to take care of him in the morning and evening. I’m so far away and all I want to do is be able to help them. I want to make enough to where my mom can retire and move in with me and not have to over burden herself.
I’ve recently been diagnosed with a whole host of health issues that cause me unending worry.
With all this, no wonder when I do have some time to sleep it’s never restful.