Metamorphosis

I’m trying to take control of my life.  Past attempts have been unsuccessful and I’m not sure why or if this time it’s different.

Moving to Austin last year shook me up and exposed the tentative solidity of my foundations, exposed all the weaknesses I had been able to cover up in my comfort zone.  There hasn’t been any refuge here and everything has worked towards making my base weaker.

You could say I’m starting from square one in this situation.

I’m taking control of my body and working towards being healthier.  I’ve always had this deep hate of my body–it’s never been good enough for me, for society.  Its ampleness has worked to make me unhappy and ashamed.  I’ve withdrawn, made myself smaller, where it cannot be smaller.  I’ve made myself so small, I’ve become invisible and I’m not sure who I am anymore.  I’m working out with a personal trainer twice a week and working hard to work out again on the weekend.  But, since I’ve ramped up my schedule and am working full time, this isn’t always possible.  I’m trying to get to the bottom of my health issues and address them.  I feel I’ve found a good link with my compound heterozygous MTHFR mutation that seems to be causing a lot of issues; I have ordered Metanx, a medical food, to help with my body’s deficiencies.  Curiously enough, the mutation seems to be linked to depression–something I have struggled with my whole life despite medication, therapy, and a hell-bent attitude towards happiness.

I’m also trying to socialize more.  Friendships have been hard here.  The deep, patience friendships from my childhood and from college don’t resemble what I’ve found here.  I have abandoned “friends” who don’t respect my time and effort in the relationship and don’t help me to live a happier, healthier life.  I’ve looked for friends who will contribute to a healthier state of mind.  I’m seeking to do new things with friends.  This weekend will be the first couples soccer match–an activity Cliford and I have designed to be part exercise, part socializing.  I’m planning my first party–a pool party this summer where I will barbeque, serve other foods, share my home with friends, play pool volleyball.  I’m going to attend a Bible study even though I am an atheist.  I will further work on my patience and tolerance by thoughtful conversation on the book of Mark and Jesus’ teachings (which can appeal to people of all faiths in its universal nature).  I’m going to begin volunteering for the Multicultural Refugee Coalition; I will be teaching English, computer skills, and help refugees find jobs here in Austin.

I’m also working towards my future.  I’ve been making time 2-3 times out of the week to study 2-3 hours for the LSAT.  I plan to take the June LSAT to get a good feel for it and take it again in October.  I’ve decided to be human and give myself more of a chance.  I will be including an addendum to explain the differences in my performance.  It’s been a very tough year (and even tougher beginning to the year) and I deserve some slack and recognition that, despite it all, I’m still working hard and dedicated to law school and my future.

The only problem is I’m not sure how to improve my relationship.  I hope that by improving myself, taking care of myself better, it’ll also make my relationship better.

I’m determined to make 2014 the turning point in my life and begin living the way I want to live instead of imprisoning myself.

It’s Been a While

It’s been a while since I’ve written last.  March has been a difficult month.  Plus, now that my boyfriend is only working one job–I don’t have time to write.  I decided to keep my blog a secret from him and all of my friends and family so I could have a private place (in public on the internet of course–oh the paradox of my generation) to sound out my thoughts and feelings without worrying about their thoughts, judgments, etc.

This past month I went through blood test after blood test, ultrasounds, and an embarrassing 24 hour urine collection only to find out that there is nothing wrong with me.  Of course my insulin levels are elevated but my A1C is normal.  My medical problems are because I’m overweight.  I was afraid that would be the answer because it means it’s all my fault and that all my efforts don’t work and I will most likely stay like this forever and never get better because I am an ambitious person and my life is going to be busy for the rest of my life and I doubt I’ll have the time and energy that it would require to get myself down to a healthy weight.

Uffda**!

Growing up my parents were always working.  I had to cook for myself and my sister and all I could cook were things from a box, like pasta and other pre-made meals.  Me and my sister got pretty chunky under my watch.  She managed to get mono one year, dropped all her weight, and has been able to keep it off since.  Me on the other hand, I have been dedicated to eating a healthy diet and exercising as frequently as I can.  For example, I gave up eating red meat and pork and I truthfully stuck to it from when I was 13 to when I moved to Texas last year at 23.  Also, for the past 5 years I have maintained a daily calorie consumption around 1,500. I have only managed to gain more weight. Frustration doesn’t even begin to describe it.

I have been working hard to consume less calories, eat more vegetables, less carbs.  I don’t binge and, honestly, for a fat girl, I’m never hungry.  I don’t overeat.  It’s just not an issue for me.  I take the bus, walk a half mile to work, a mile from work to a bus.  I work out 3-4 times faithfully per week.  Not mindless treadmill running or ellipticals but cardio that gets my heart going wild and strength training.  I try to get 8 hours of sleep a night but it’s not the easiest when I have so many obligations and goals.  I have 75 pounds to lose and I’ve been working very hard for a month and have lost no weight at all.  But there’s nothing wrong with me.  I don’t know what I’m doing wrong.

But on the life front, I’ve been managing my free time better, now.  Instead of watching TV, I have personal training twice a week, work out independently once or twice a week and go to the library to study for the LSATs two to three times a week.  I’ve applied to volunteer for a program that will have me helping refugees become self-sufficient.  I will teach English, help them find jobs, help them learn how to use a computer, and also help them feel better living so far from home.  I really hope they will call me back and have me volunteer.  It’s something I wanted to do since I moved to Austin, but it’s only recently that I’ve managed to get out of this cavernous rut I’m in–now I’m only in a little one (baby steps, folks).  I’ve conned my sister into giving me her beautiful cello that she doesn’t play anymore (my shitty violin I played was sent to Costa Rica) and I will be trading in my alto saxophone and my sister’s french horn in order to purchase a tenor saxophone.  I’ve really missed music since leaving college and I’m hoping to spend more time with it.  Also, I’m hoping to start mediating with some regularity and also incorporate yoga into my life.  I fear that stress may be helping keep me overweight.  Hopefully adding meaningful activities will help with stress and make for an overall more happy existence.  Work–especially administrative work I have zero interest in and does not utilize my talents–and taking care of the house is not soul satisfying.

With the LSAT, I decided that I would wait until October to take it.  Working full time obviously prohibits me from dedicating more time to really studying.  I want to give myself the best chance I can for success and that means spending more time studying.  It will also give me the time to explore options and really know what I want before I dive in head first and make more mistakes like I am so prone to do–I love an adventure.  My boss has a friend who is a judge here in Austin and her husband is a professor of law at the University of Texas, Austin and I am going to speak with them and hopefully they’ll take me under their wings a little.  Law school is a big commitment.  I know it’s something I could make it through with flying colors–I’m too dedicated to do anything less–but it’s a life long commitment and I want to make sure I am ready and fully informed.

Slowly but surely, I’m going to get somewhere.  I’ve got a long ways to go but my feet are always moving.

 

**for non-Midwestern, Norwegian types–“Uffda” is the Norwegian equivalent of OMG, it’s what you say when you feel overwhelmed, are surprised.  It’s also kind of a curse word.  I guess it’s quite similar to “Oi vei.”