Feel It In Your Bones

I am bone tired today.  Almost two years out of college and I have yet to find a way to balance work, a relationship, studying for the LSATs, sleep, and trying to maintain some semblance of passion for life.  Fun isn’t even a factor in this equation–too many bills to pay on such a pittance.

I’m scared that because I haven’t been able to balance all of this, and haven’t been able to dedicate myself to studying as much as I want (and probably need) that I won’t do well on the LSATs and I will have wasted another couple of years of my life.  Moving to Austin was a huge distraction and it has wasted two years that I could have dedicated to school.  Two years that I have wasted working entry-level secretary jobs and climbed the ladder of a career I never wanted to be in.  Yes, I have had the chance to reflect on what I want out of life–but it has mostly been two years of panicked desire to get out of Austin at all costs.  I’m scared that law school was a panacea born out of hating where I am and I have no one to speak to about where I want to go in my career.  I know what I’m good at and law is a great match for my skills.  I’m so scared of failure that I’m terrified to begin.  And time isn’t going to wait for me to grow a pair.

I’m so tired of being a secretary.  Yes, I am doing far better than my peers and I’m grateful for my blessings.  I have free health insurance, a retirement fund, other employee benefits and–in this new job–my boss is wonderful.  I don’t want to get complacent.  I need to do more, be more.  I know I’ve got it in me–it’s just the rest, the environmental factors that are holding me back.

I work full time–so that cuts out studying time for the most part.  Especially since I’m a morning person and I’d do best studying around 8 after a good night’s sleep.  A good night’s sleep is impossible since my boyfriend works two jobs and I have to pick him up at 10.  He’s from New York City and has never had to drive but has been trying to get lessons.  When you work every day until late, there’s not a lot of chance to learn.  Even if he had time, we wouldn’t have the money to supply him with a vehicle.  Because we’ve spent 6 years apart, I’d like to spend some time with him.  Bedtime doesn’t come around until 11 or 12 and when you get up at 6 every day, there’s not a whole lot of energy to study.

Any spare time is spent much like an adult.  Because my boyfriend works every day and cannot run errands on his own, all of my time left over is spent cleaning, cooking, and running errands for the household.  I am solely responsible for taking care of the household.  It’s frustrating and it’s exhausting.  I’ve got nobody to lean on being so far away from friends and family and I’m completely alone here besides from my boyfriend.  We have no friends or family here, no connections.  And my family needs me.  My dad was paralyzed in an accident 4 years ago and my mom is his sole care provider and the sole income.  She’s a nurse and she works 12 hours a day and has to take care of him in the morning and evening.  I’m so far away and all I want to do is be able to help them.  I want to make enough to where my mom can retire and move in with me and not have to over burden herself.

I’ve recently been diagnosed with a whole host of health issues that cause me unending worry.

With all this, no wonder when I do have some time to sleep it’s never restful.

Vent over.

Repurposing this Space

I’m going to enjoy anonymity with blogging.  I need a place to work through all the changes going on in my life.  These are events I’m sure all twenty-something-year-olds experience, but each person experiences their own unique series of challenges.  This year is going to be a pivotal year for me and I will enjoy a place to work on and express myself anonymously.  I’m not looking for comments or followers, but it would be amazing to have meaningful and intellectual exchanges with people and I look forward to connections I can make here.

Be the change

I’m trying to become a more positive person. I’ve suffered from depression for quite some time now but it has gotten increasingly worse since I’ve moved out, moved to Austin, TX, and was diagnosed with quite a few unsavory health issues.  It has been a really rough transition and the year has taken a toll on me.  I want to explore what’s hurting me–what has hurt me–and find solutions instead of being in a rut.  More importantly, I want to reach out to others and be a source of positivity.  Needless to say, I’ve deleted Facebook (I think this has been one of the greatest decisions I have ever made).

Ambition

I’ve been out of school since May 2014 and during that time I’ve gained some life and work experience and have re-evaluated what I want out of life.  Rather, reality has altered my dreams a bit.  I came to Austin naive and unprepared.  I’ve had a series of dead-ends with school and have decided to go to law school.  I plan to take the LSATs in June and hope to be attending the University of Minnesota Law School and specialize in Civil Rights Law.  I want to take my passion for social justice and hopefully do more than be an impoverished, bleeding heart.  Also, I want to be more than a secretary and use my talents towards actually doing something.  The feeling of purposelessness I’ve experienced this past year has been soul-crushing and it’s time I do something about it.

Focus

I’m hoping to get back into writing.  It’s something I will hopefully be doing in my future and I’ve always enjoyed it.  I hope to be publishing poetry, thought pieces, and–for once–talking about what’s going on with me.  I need to become disciplined again.  I need to learn how to focus on myself and find some balance in this world.  I will work on losing weight and, my greatest challenge, learn how to relax.

To whoever reads this, thank you for coming along on my journey and, more importantly, I thank myself for doing something for myself for once.

Humble

To me, humbleness is not a weakness.
It’s the ultimate strength.  It means never being so sure of myself that I cannot be beat.
It is a state of constant strength.
It allows for endless potential–possibility.  It means constantly seeking to hone and perfect.
It is the opposite of vulnerability and the twin of awareness.
Being humble allows me to look with honest eyes not only in regards to myself, but with everyone and everything.
I am prepared and poised for action at all times in this state.

The Selfishness of Peace

How does one find peace when peace feels so selfish?

Is peace the luxury of ignorance?   Is peace a right of merit, an indulgence of the strong?

I seem to have lost my faith in good.  I feel negativity well up inside me and I feel trapped.  Trapped because there lies still a naive hope.  Hope against all odds that seems to grow more steep every day–with each story with each bitter emotion that shadows and intimidates me.

With so much evil and hate, how does one cope?  I am so helpless to it all, I feel as though I am drowning.  And help, refuge, would take away the precious needs of others far worse than I am.

How can I stay positive and engaged in this world?

How do I shelter myself, how do I recover?

The world suffers and so do I.  Like some bastard Madonna I weep. I feel the pain and anger of the nations and I am a ghost now.  Silently, I have lost myself.  Blindly, but willingly, I have given myself up to fill it with the hurt of others with the hurt of the past and the hurt yet to come.

Home

I miss being near the earth.

I miss that fertility and life–the endless cycle of creation, destruction, and rebirth.

You feel so humble living near to that.

And the stars.  They feel so close.

I swear when I look up in the sky at home, I feel like I’m living past, present, and future all at once.

I am both alive and dead.

Infinite and finite.