Why I Want to Stay Single

2014 will undoubtably go down as one of the toughest years of my life–of which will become subjects to write about later on. But the apex of everything that was horrible about this year is that my seven and a half year relationship ended.

He was my first real boyfriend, we were both seniors in high school when we started talking–this was all long distance, he was in New York City and I was in Nebraska.  Over the years, we spoke every day becoming each others’ best friends, becoming so comfortable with each other that when we finally did meet, three years after first speaking, being together was the most natural thing on earth.

For reasons that will become obvious later, we broke up.  And now that I’m going off into the world all lonesome, here are the reasons why I’m going to face the challenges of my life alone for now.

I am used up.

I literally do not have any more love to give anyone right now.  I barely have enough to give myself.  I spent seven and a half years trying to move heaven and earth to accommodate him and our relationship.  I have loved enough for two people, loved enough for when my effort was all that was keeping things going.  It wouldn’t be fair to put someone in the position I was in, forcing someone else to push me along in love.

I am at my absoslute lowest.

I have been tamed and stunted by life.  Since 2010 I’ve been tossed around quite a bit and 2014 was the worst of it.  The way I feel right now must be pretty similar to how Samson felt after his hair was cut and he was captured.  Or like a forest after a wildfire has razed it.  How could anyone love me when I’m at this point, so far away from who I used to be and who I could become?

I want to have the time and space to grow into the person I want to become.

I have been with someone, with the same person, since I was seventeen years old.  I have never had the opportunity to grow alone, uninfluenced.  I want to meet myself and I don’t want someone else telling me how I should feel about myself or who I should be.  I need to recover and I can’t do that in a relationship; it’s inevitable that the person I’m with would influence me. I want to come back at full strength and even improved.  I want to explore the depths of myself that I suppress because of another person’s acceptance or not or rules of society.

I need to find someone who can handle me.

I am an unbridled force of nature.  I am chaos, creation, destruction, freedom, control, power, ambition, sex, and violence.  I am what carried my ancestors into battle–I am fearless, daring, and brave.  I am hellfire and passion.  I am absolutely bursting at the seams to be unleashed and reach my potential.

It’s going to be a long year but I know I have within me what it takes to get out of this and come out better for it.

It’s Been a While

It’s been a while since I’ve written last.  March has been a difficult month.  Plus, now that my boyfriend is only working one job–I don’t have time to write.  I decided to keep my blog a secret from him and all of my friends and family so I could have a private place (in public on the internet of course–oh the paradox of my generation) to sound out my thoughts and feelings without worrying about their thoughts, judgments, etc.

This past month I went through blood test after blood test, ultrasounds, and an embarrassing 24 hour urine collection only to find out that there is nothing wrong with me.  Of course my insulin levels are elevated but my A1C is normal.  My medical problems are because I’m overweight.  I was afraid that would be the answer because it means it’s all my fault and that all my efforts don’t work and I will most likely stay like this forever and never get better because I am an ambitious person and my life is going to be busy for the rest of my life and I doubt I’ll have the time and energy that it would require to get myself down to a healthy weight.

Uffda**!

Growing up my parents were always working.  I had to cook for myself and my sister and all I could cook were things from a box, like pasta and other pre-made meals.  Me and my sister got pretty chunky under my watch.  She managed to get mono one year, dropped all her weight, and has been able to keep it off since.  Me on the other hand, I have been dedicated to eating a healthy diet and exercising as frequently as I can.  For example, I gave up eating red meat and pork and I truthfully stuck to it from when I was 13 to when I moved to Texas last year at 23.  Also, for the past 5 years I have maintained a daily calorie consumption around 1,500. I have only managed to gain more weight. Frustration doesn’t even begin to describe it.

I have been working hard to consume less calories, eat more vegetables, less carbs.  I don’t binge and, honestly, for a fat girl, I’m never hungry.  I don’t overeat.  It’s just not an issue for me.  I take the bus, walk a half mile to work, a mile from work to a bus.  I work out 3-4 times faithfully per week.  Not mindless treadmill running or ellipticals but cardio that gets my heart going wild and strength training.  I try to get 8 hours of sleep a night but it’s not the easiest when I have so many obligations and goals.  I have 75 pounds to lose and I’ve been working very hard for a month and have lost no weight at all.  But there’s nothing wrong with me.  I don’t know what I’m doing wrong.

But on the life front, I’ve been managing my free time better, now.  Instead of watching TV, I have personal training twice a week, work out independently once or twice a week and go to the library to study for the LSATs two to three times a week.  I’ve applied to volunteer for a program that will have me helping refugees become self-sufficient.  I will teach English, help them find jobs, help them learn how to use a computer, and also help them feel better living so far from home.  I really hope they will call me back and have me volunteer.  It’s something I wanted to do since I moved to Austin, but it’s only recently that I’ve managed to get out of this cavernous rut I’m in–now I’m only in a little one (baby steps, folks).  I’ve conned my sister into giving me her beautiful cello that she doesn’t play anymore (my shitty violin I played was sent to Costa Rica) and I will be trading in my alto saxophone and my sister’s french horn in order to purchase a tenor saxophone.  I’ve really missed music since leaving college and I’m hoping to spend more time with it.  Also, I’m hoping to start mediating with some regularity and also incorporate yoga into my life.  I fear that stress may be helping keep me overweight.  Hopefully adding meaningful activities will help with stress and make for an overall more happy existence.  Work–especially administrative work I have zero interest in and does not utilize my talents–and taking care of the house is not soul satisfying.

With the LSAT, I decided that I would wait until October to take it.  Working full time obviously prohibits me from dedicating more time to really studying.  I want to give myself the best chance I can for success and that means spending more time studying.  It will also give me the time to explore options and really know what I want before I dive in head first and make more mistakes like I am so prone to do–I love an adventure.  My boss has a friend who is a judge here in Austin and her husband is a professor of law at the University of Texas, Austin and I am going to speak with them and hopefully they’ll take me under their wings a little.  Law school is a big commitment.  I know it’s something I could make it through with flying colors–I’m too dedicated to do anything less–but it’s a life long commitment and I want to make sure I am ready and fully informed.

Slowly but surely, I’m going to get somewhere.  I’ve got a long ways to go but my feet are always moving.

 

**for non-Midwestern, Norwegian types–“Uffda” is the Norwegian equivalent of OMG, it’s what you say when you feel overwhelmed, are surprised.  It’s also kind of a curse word.  I guess it’s quite similar to “Oi vei.”

Feel It In Your Bones

I am bone tired today.  Almost two years out of college and I have yet to find a way to balance work, a relationship, studying for the LSATs, sleep, and trying to maintain some semblance of passion for life.  Fun isn’t even a factor in this equation–too many bills to pay on such a pittance.

I’m scared that because I haven’t been able to balance all of this, and haven’t been able to dedicate myself to studying as much as I want (and probably need) that I won’t do well on the LSATs and I will have wasted another couple of years of my life.  Moving to Austin was a huge distraction and it has wasted two years that I could have dedicated to school.  Two years that I have wasted working entry-level secretary jobs and climbed the ladder of a career I never wanted to be in.  Yes, I have had the chance to reflect on what I want out of life–but it has mostly been two years of panicked desire to get out of Austin at all costs.  I’m scared that law school was a panacea born out of hating where I am and I have no one to speak to about where I want to go in my career.  I know what I’m good at and law is a great match for my skills.  I’m so scared of failure that I’m terrified to begin.  And time isn’t going to wait for me to grow a pair.

I’m so tired of being a secretary.  Yes, I am doing far better than my peers and I’m grateful for my blessings.  I have free health insurance, a retirement fund, other employee benefits and–in this new job–my boss is wonderful.  I don’t want to get complacent.  I need to do more, be more.  I know I’ve got it in me–it’s just the rest, the environmental factors that are holding me back.

I work full time–so that cuts out studying time for the most part.  Especially since I’m a morning person and I’d do best studying around 8 after a good night’s sleep.  A good night’s sleep is impossible since my boyfriend works two jobs and I have to pick him up at 10.  He’s from New York City and has never had to drive but has been trying to get lessons.  When you work every day until late, there’s not a lot of chance to learn.  Even if he had time, we wouldn’t have the money to supply him with a vehicle.  Because we’ve spent 6 years apart, I’d like to spend some time with him.  Bedtime doesn’t come around until 11 or 12 and when you get up at 6 every day, there’s not a whole lot of energy to study.

Any spare time is spent much like an adult.  Because my boyfriend works every day and cannot run errands on his own, all of my time left over is spent cleaning, cooking, and running errands for the household.  I am solely responsible for taking care of the household.  It’s frustrating and it’s exhausting.  I’ve got nobody to lean on being so far away from friends and family and I’m completely alone here besides from my boyfriend.  We have no friends or family here, no connections.  And my family needs me.  My dad was paralyzed in an accident 4 years ago and my mom is his sole care provider and the sole income.  She’s a nurse and she works 12 hours a day and has to take care of him in the morning and evening.  I’m so far away and all I want to do is be able to help them.  I want to make enough to where my mom can retire and move in with me and not have to over burden herself.

I’ve recently been diagnosed with a whole host of health issues that cause me unending worry.

With all this, no wonder when I do have some time to sleep it’s never restful.

Vent over.