2014 will undoubtably go down as one of the toughest years of my life–of which will become subjects to write about later on. But the apex of everything that was horrible about this year is that my seven and a half year relationship ended.
He was my first real boyfriend, we were both seniors in high school when we started talking–this was all long distance, he was in New York City and I was in Nebraska. Over the years, we spoke every day becoming each others’ best friends, becoming so comfortable with each other that when we finally did meet, three years after first speaking, being together was the most natural thing on earth.
For reasons that will become obvious later, we broke up. And now that I’m going off into the world all lonesome, here are the reasons why I’m going to face the challenges of my life alone for now.
I am used up.
I literally do not have any more love to give anyone right now. I barely have enough to give myself. I spent seven and a half years trying to move heaven and earth to accommodate him and our relationship. I have loved enough for two people, loved enough for when my effort was all that was keeping things going. It wouldn’t be fair to put someone in the position I was in, forcing someone else to push me along in love.
I am at my absoslute lowest.
I have been tamed and stunted by life. Since 2010 I’ve been tossed around quite a bit and 2014 was the worst of it. The way I feel right now must be pretty similar to how Samson felt after his hair was cut and he was captured. Or like a forest after a wildfire has razed it. How could anyone love me when I’m at this point, so far away from who I used to be and who I could become?
I want to have the time and space to grow into the person I want to become.
I have been with someone, with the same person, since I was seventeen years old. I have never had the opportunity to grow alone, uninfluenced. I want to meet myself and I don’t want someone else telling me how I should feel about myself or who I should be. I need to recover and I can’t do that in a relationship; it’s inevitable that the person I’m with would influence me. I want to come back at full strength and even improved. I want to explore the depths of myself that I suppress because of another person’s acceptance or not or rules of society.
I need to find someone who can handle me.
I am an unbridled force of nature. I am chaos, creation, destruction, freedom, control, power, ambition, sex, and violence. I am what carried my ancestors into battle–I am fearless, daring, and brave. I am hellfire and passion. I am absolutely bursting at the seams to be unleashed and reach my potential.
It’s going to be a long year but I know I have within me what it takes to get out of this and come out better for it.