Metamorphosis

I’m trying to take control of my life.  Past attempts have been unsuccessful and I’m not sure why or if this time it’s different.

Moving to Austin last year shook me up and exposed the tentative solidity of my foundations, exposed all the weaknesses I had been able to cover up in my comfort zone.  There hasn’t been any refuge here and everything has worked towards making my base weaker.

You could say I’m starting from square one in this situation.

I’m taking control of my body and working towards being healthier.  I’ve always had this deep hate of my body–it’s never been good enough for me, for society.  Its ampleness has worked to make me unhappy and ashamed.  I’ve withdrawn, made myself smaller, where it cannot be smaller.  I’ve made myself so small, I’ve become invisible and I’m not sure who I am anymore.  I’m working out with a personal trainer twice a week and working hard to work out again on the weekend.  But, since I’ve ramped up my schedule and am working full time, this isn’t always possible.  I’m trying to get to the bottom of my health issues and address them.  I feel I’ve found a good link with my compound heterozygous MTHFR mutation that seems to be causing a lot of issues; I have ordered Metanx, a medical food, to help with my body’s deficiencies.  Curiously enough, the mutation seems to be linked to depression–something I have struggled with my whole life despite medication, therapy, and a hell-bent attitude towards happiness.

I’m also trying to socialize more.  Friendships have been hard here.  The deep, patience friendships from my childhood and from college don’t resemble what I’ve found here.  I have abandoned “friends” who don’t respect my time and effort in the relationship and don’t help me to live a happier, healthier life.  I’ve looked for friends who will contribute to a healthier state of mind.  I’m seeking to do new things with friends.  This weekend will be the first couples soccer match–an activity Cliford and I have designed to be part exercise, part socializing.  I’m planning my first party–a pool party this summer where I will barbeque, serve other foods, share my home with friends, play pool volleyball.  I’m going to attend a Bible study even though I am an atheist.  I will further work on my patience and tolerance by thoughtful conversation on the book of Mark and Jesus’ teachings (which can appeal to people of all faiths in its universal nature).  I’m going to begin volunteering for the Multicultural Refugee Coalition; I will be teaching English, computer skills, and help refugees find jobs here in Austin.

I’m also working towards my future.  I’ve been making time 2-3 times out of the week to study 2-3 hours for the LSAT.  I plan to take the June LSAT to get a good feel for it and take it again in October.  I’ve decided to be human and give myself more of a chance.  I will be including an addendum to explain the differences in my performance.  It’s been a very tough year (and even tougher beginning to the year) and I deserve some slack and recognition that, despite it all, I’m still working hard and dedicated to law school and my future.

The only problem is I’m not sure how to improve my relationship.  I hope that by improving myself, taking care of myself better, it’ll also make my relationship better.

I’m determined to make 2014 the turning point in my life and begin living the way I want to live instead of imprisoning myself.

Why I’m Bad At Small Talk (and other social activities)

For as long as I can remember I’ve been horrible at small talk.  When I meet new people I’m awkward, quiet, and very unapproachable.  This is something that is quite contrary to my true nature.  I’ll blame it on my permanently furled brow.  I’m constantly lost in thought–calculating the answers to world peace and the like.  No big deal.

It is the one thing I’m not good at, meeting new people.  For as confident as I am when speaking about something I’m passionate about–I become Samson in the presence of those I don’t know.  Rejection is a fear that plagues me; I want to make people happy–it’s what fulfills me.

Interactions with new people are also rare for me.  I’ll in part blame this characteristic on growing up in a very small, isolated town.  And even more rare is the time we are blessed to spend with others.  The moments we share with individuals are so fleeting.  So tenuous.  During that time I don’t want to talk about the weather or some trivial shared experience we had in the elevator.  I want to know your about your dreams and passions.  I want to know your fears and deepest regrets.  I want to give you respite.  I want to fortify you and offer you unexpected support.  I want to share a bond with you that let’s you know that you are visible.  I want to give you validation.

Even though I know this bond is short lived, each person I manage to capture in this spell lives within me.  It nourishes me and love and positivity goes with them.

I learn from each person I speak with.  Every person is a piece of the puzzle–a word in the answer to the deepest questions humanity strives century after century to answer.  Every person is potential.  Every person is the unexplainable and mystery at the center of our souls.  Every person is a reflection of us all; I can fin myself in you.  Every person is a question.  Every person is an answer.  This makes every person irresistible to me.

So, forgive me if we meet and I seem aloof.  Forgive me if I’m impatient with your comments about this recent weather phenomenon or that.  I’m here for you.  I want to know you and appreciate you.

As always, love.